Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
