obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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