Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
