I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
