At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
