It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
