I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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