Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
