the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
do nipples grow back?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
