I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.