just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder