i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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