White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He did a backflip because drugs
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