I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
