There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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