Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
