i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
