You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
