i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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