i don't like sucking hair
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
