I puked a lego.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
