If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
