I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
