just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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