i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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