You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
