i would punch a child for taco bell
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
