sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
