this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
