god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
