I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
