No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
