as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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