There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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