I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
