When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
