I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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