i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
