I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
