wakey wakey hands off snakey
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
