Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
