I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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