I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
