My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
