i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
