did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
