nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
