Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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