Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
