hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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