I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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