my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
