i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
