my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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