you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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