at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
