i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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