Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
