I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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