So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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