I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
