The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
