when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So squirting runs in the family.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
