You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
